How Did We Get Here ?

I can’t pinpoint the exact moment it happened or even how it happened but at some point around 14 years old our dynamic shifted.  It shifted with such magnitude that there was no way I could be prepared to handle it, almost as if it was orchestrated by aliens who took over his body.  We went from being so incredibly close to so heartbreakingly far apart.  I have 3 sons, 16, 13 and 9 months but as many moms can attest there is this undeniable bond that a mother has with her first born and now I find myself watching that bond slip away…and it is crushing me to my core.  When I found out that I was pregnant with my third child I remember my first thought (after saying holy sh*t outloud 10 times) “How is this going to affect our already rocky relationship?” I knew my middle son would be elated and he was but the reaction I got from my first born was not the greatest, but I wasn’t offended, I totally, wholeheartedly got it.  How awkward for a 16 yr old to have to explain that his parents are having a baby? And now, so late in the game? I can only imagine the conversations that took place among him and his peers, thankfully I was not privy to any of them…and given the level of anxiety that he was already dealing with this surely was a big blow to his psyche.  He started to come around to the idea as I further progressed in my pregnancy but there would be no touching of the belly or conversations around the process, and that I was okay with.  

The next big shift in our relationship came when I went in to have the baby…I was in the hospital for 2 days before our little buddy made his entrance and was missing my older boys something fierce.  Once he arrived the first thing we did was call home and share the news ! My middle was ecstatic but word from my mother was my first born was on the bathroom floor where he had been for most of the night with some mysterious stomach pains…even in my current elated state, holding my new baby boy, I was overcome with grief and guilt.  I knew that these stomach pains were not caused by a bad meal or too much junk food…they were caused by me, by the arrival of the baby and the inevitable change that was about to take place for our family of four.  I asked to speak to him but he wouldn’t come out of the bathroom and every failed attempt to reach out to him directly via call and texts made me feel worse by the second.  What have I done, what have WE done ? We managed life as a family of four pretty darn well for the last 13 years and now I have gone and upset the family dynamic by adding another child into the mix.  It wasn’t until the baby was 2 days old before my oldest agreed to come and visit, we had to extend our stay due to the baby’s bilirubin levels being too high and his jaundice not getting under control.  I remember watching my oldest enter the room and he picked a spot far away from me and his new baby brother, not a smile, smirk or any indication of his current emotional state, just silence and awkward body language.  But, I wasn’t pushing it, I was just so happy to see his face in person that I was going to make darn sure that I didn’t do anything to cause him to leave.  He held the baby for a few minutes and I finally saw some sparkle fill his gorgeous blue eyes once again.  A couple days later we brought the baby home and tried to do the best we could to adjust to our new normal.  

There were a lot of growing pains in the first few months but everyone seemed to be adjusting to each other just fine.  Fast forward to today, baby boy is 9 months old and a pure joy, we’re finally getting some sleep and enjoying reliving the baby milestones all over again ! Both older boys are the greatest big brothers I could have ever wished for.  Our schedules are challenging to say the least but we seem to be doing a damn good job juggling everything…or so I thought. Now that my oldest is in the middle of his junior year of high school, and I’m not nearly as sleep deprived as I have been, I’ve started to put a little more pressure on him than usual with being accountable and responsible with his schoolwork.  We bought him a used suv for Christmas with the understanding that he would get a job and help with the bus drop off/pick up for his middle brother to help lessen our load.  Well, he did get a job but only after months of arguments and many ultimatums.  Because I work for a university my children all have the unique opportunity to go tuition-free, so long as they get in.  The criteria for getting accepted to this college is not for the faint of heart and certainly not for the bare minimum student.  This is not new news…I’ve been reminding my oldest of this for at least 3 years.  He has always expressed interest in going here and up until about 2 months ago, I really thought he had a good chance.  But now, I’m not even sure he’ll be accepted to the local Junior college let alone one of the more prestigious universities in the country.  This was the second major shift in our dynamic in under a year and it is catastrophic. I’m not sure how we are going to survive the next 18 months of college visits, SAT’s/ACT’s, applications and essays because where we are now, we can’t even get through a conversation without getting heated.  I have spent years in and out of school meetings, orchestrating the most effective IEP’s/504’s accommodations, tutors up the ying yang and wayyyyyy too much time tracking their progress through the online grading system, which just as an aside can I say that I HATE it ? The amount of time that I spend staring at these real time grades is downright mental and the spreadsheets that I create for them to track missing work, upcoming tests and teacher comments is borderline obsessive. But, isn’t that what I’m supposed to do? Who else can advocate for them or remind them of what’s due or missing, or what to prepare for next? You know who…THEM! As I was in the middle of one of my usual pleadings with the oldest to “get his shit together” I had an epiphany, a rather shameful and embarrassing epiphany…how can I expect him to start being accountable and responsible for these major things when he’s never had the chance, he didn’t have too, he knew that I would always do all of these things for him without hesitation? And now, all of a sudden I’m telling him that I’m in charge of shifting our dynamic but for the better.  I admitted to him that all of these things I have done for him in regards to school have done him a serious disservice and I continued to do them up until recently because I needed to know that he needed me still and for that I am sorry.  I should have taken the opportunity to embrace his desire for independence and show him that he possesses the tools to be successful on his own.  

I will always be in the background to provide advice and support but it’s time to truly make this his journey instead of mine.  The mending of our relationship is still a work in progress and I’m not fully ready to hang up the QUEEN OF MEAN title just yet. However, I’m confident that I’ve raised a fantastic human who knows he is loved beyond measure and supported without a shadow of a doubt. And even though I don’t want to admit it because it hurts like hell, he doesn’t need his mom to solve every problem. He’s capable of so much more, he just hasn’t had the chance to prove it.